This evening that lovely lonely feeling swept me away with watercolors and the Weepies. I am not an artist, but I love using watercolors. The soft strokes of a paint brush with water spreading the colors out over the white white paper, is therapeutic, even if the results are not always perfect.
Slowing down is hard for me, I like to stay busy. I like to learn new things. Even when having down time, I do something. When I was a kid I could stay outside for hours with my guitar writing songs, all by myself. If I was inside, I would draw horses, really horrible funny looking horses. I wanted a horse so I drew them. I saved up all my money (over $1000.00, I thought it was a lot when I was 10). I never got a horse, and I never got good at drawing them.
I love being by myself. Yet at the same time, if I know I am going to be alone too long, I get lonely. It’s such an odd thing, this love of being with myself, and then getting sick of myself. If I know someone else is near then I am ok, like at a coffee shop. For some reason growing up I had a hard time being alone even if people were near. I would get lonely, and I thought I would never be understood. I used to think I was not good at communicating, but now I realize, I just didn’t communicate, because I really truly liked keeping it all to myself. It was safe, and secure when it was just me.
I know I am not the only one that struggles with a desire to communicate feelings or show emotion, and I know I am not so far from being very ordinary in my feelings of lonliness. I am just happy now to say, that though I get lonely, it is a welcomed feeling, and not overwhelming. I enjoy the quiet, and usually try to do something productive. Did you know you could be happy even when feeling a little lonely? Well, shocking, but it is true. I also have grown somewhat in my desire to communicate with those around me that I don’t know well, but believe it is still hard, not a natural thing for me to do.
Because it’s cold outside, I decided to order pizza, so I could stay in bed and paint. I ordered Pastazios, New York style pizza. I got it with chicken, onion, artichoke hearts, and black olives. The crust is really really really yum! Reminds me a bit too much of Papa Johns, but the crust has more of a crunch to it. I like that. So my evening of painting and pizza, was lonely and perfect. I am also thinking of trying out Val Web’s online watercolor lessons. If I take a class I’ll let you know how it goes. She has some really great courses, you can find them here: http://valwebb.wordpress.com
